


Let You Go

by BoatsNHoes



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Coping with Death, Death, Explicit Language, Grief/Mourning, I am a terrible person for this, Maybe - Freeform, Sadstuck, Self Loathing, Suicide contemplation, biclopsdad for mvp, im not exactly great at tagging things, lots of mentioned characters - Freeform, sollux letting go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-04
Updated: 2016-01-04
Packaged: 2018-05-11 17:16:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5635231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BoatsNHoes/pseuds/BoatsNHoes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The mental state of Sollux Captor dealing with the loss of Aradia.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let You Go

Your name is Sollux Captor and you are the first to say that your life is fucking shit. There's a list of reasons that could probably wrap around your lusus, twice, but you'll just list the top two at this particular shit stained point in time. Number one, you are a psiionic. So naturally everyone and everything is ready to turn you into Her Imperious Condescension so that you can fuel her ship until your think pan melts out your fucking ears. And number fucking two, (cause shit always comes in twos for you) you can hear the voices of the fucking doomed screaming in your head all hours of the fucking night. You're ready to fucking kill something.

Honestly, the only person who's even fucking trying to make this bearable is your matesprit. Aradia is a fucking gift from whatever god sees you pitiable, which is a statement cause you're honestly the worst kind of person there is. Aradia is like a ray of moonlight in your life, and you do your best to be focused whenever you're with her. Though she understands when she has to stay over to make sure you can actually fall asleep with the voices crying out in your head. Needless to say, but you're fucking going to, you absolutely adore her and are in the deepest red for her.

Which is why you can't understand why you've found yourself outside in the pitch of night, laying on the ground. You're not even near your hive, you have no clue where you are. You stand and... there's this huge pile of rubble on the ground, what the fuck happened here? You run a hand through your hair and catch sight of burgundy blood on your hands. "No... no no no no!"

You're standing beside what's left of Aradia's hive.... You use your psiionics to move the bigger pieces of debris, you're actually praying that she's not in here. You didn't hear her voice, you didn't fucking hear her voice! "ARADIA! Please... please don't be in here." Your bloodpusher drops the instant you see her arm sticking out from under a pile of rock. You don't waste time getting her uncovered and see burns on her body, claw marks and her whole fucking left arm is gone. Her eyes are glazed over, staring blankly. You shake her, "A-aradia..." Your voice cracks, tears welling up in your eyes. Her blood is everywhere, it's fucking coating your clothes... Jesus Christ, your right shoe isn't even white anymore.

You set your jaw, getting up from your knees and begin walking back to your hive. You're running the facts through your head and you're still trying to fucking deny what happened. You. Killed. Her.

You look up, not realizing that you had zoned out the entire walk back to your hive. You stand before your lusus, who eyes you with concern, and you just.... scream. Your eyes and horns crackle and spark as you finally let the tears fall. You crumple into yourself at your biclopsdad's feet, he tries to comfort you but you're so fucking drawn into yourself that all you can fucking hear is yourself. Not even the fucking voices can break through this. "I killed her... I fucking killed her. I'm scum, I am the worst fucking scum. I don't deserve to live... I should just die and nobody would even fucking care. I should die. How could i...:"

You keep repeating it to yourself until you feel cold water splash at your back. You look up and realize that your lusus had carried you to the ablution block and set you inside the ablution basin. This is embarrassing, he hasn't had to bathe you since you were a wriggler, but you don't send him away. You really need him to do this for you right now because you think that if he leaves you alone.... you'd kill yourself. You don't fucking know how you're going to cope with this.

It takes you a couple weeks before you even talk to anyone, like actually talk to them. You give Karkat the occasional check in to let him know you're alive, but other than that, you don't speak to anyone. You do your best not to become reliant on the person claiming to be Aradia's ghost on trollian, but of course, you do. You're a horrible fucking person who can't stand the disgusting shit that you've done, so of course you project your dead matesprit on this person who might not have even known her.

Karkat wants you to play a game with him, you guess he's gotten everyone to agree to it? What else do you really have to do, other than wallow in your own pitiful self loathing. So you agree to the game. Fuck this game. Turns out, that Aradia's ghost really was fucking talking to you and that she now has a robotic body? You really don't care to follow, because you're going to do every fucking thing in your power to avoid her.

You do this fairly well, forming a nice bond with Feferi and on equal parts pissing off Eridan. You begin to think that everything will finally start to look up, that you won't be so bad off. Then you all get stuck on a god forsaken meteor because the universe hates you and everything you've ever fucking cared about. You've done your best to keep busy by trying to fix these computers, but you're certain they're too shitty to even bother with. Of course, you end up fixing them because Karkat wants to fucking troll the new aliens and you can't say no to a distraction from Aradiabot and Equius's odd.... whatever the fuck they have.

You think you've finally begun to let yourself get over her.... when she pesters you.

AA: i guess i sh0uld say s0mething

AA: bef0re i g0

TA: aradiia, ii am riight glubbiing here, liike two feet away from you

Go? What the fuck does she mean 'go'? She doesn't even know where she's going to go, or if you'll see her again. She just... kinda gave you this cryptic message about not seeing her with your eyes. You don't know how you feel about that. She's ceased trolling you now.

You turn as she pulls you into a hug before taking a couple steps back and... exploding.

You stand there, jaw tight as you just let yourself cry this time. You don't see the point in anything anymore, you wasted so much time avoiding each other and you should have been at least civil towards her. You're a fucking idiot. You keep yourself at your computer until Feferi takes your arm, she gives you this look that tells you she won't let you hole yourself away again. Your bloodpusher hurts so fucking bad you'd rather die right now but.... for now, you suppose things can't get any worse, right?

**Author's Note:**

> Regina I'm sorry. This is why i'm not allowed to write at 1:30 in the morning. Here is a link to the pesterlog between Sollux and Aradia that i just took a little snippet from. http://mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=005082


End file.
